3 Myths About Self-Compassion

In The Case for Self-Compassion, we consider how to feel good about ourselves even when we struggle to keep up with our personal, professional, and social obligations. We defined the three core components of self-compassion as distilled by Kristen Neff. The idea of self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness are relatively easy to explain, so why does practicing self-compassion feel so challenging? 

One reason for this disconnect between theory and practice is that our lived experiences shape our perspectives. How you interpret self-kindness might look different than how your grandparents or your boss interpret it. This difference of opinion can make us feel unsure of ourselves and complicate our ability to reflect on how to customize a self-compassion practice.

For many, self-compassion can feel like unfamiliar territory, making it difficult to put to use. In practice, self-compassion is not about right or wrong but about observing your inner voice and feelings. Below are more common myths that get in the way of practicing self-compassion.

I need tough love to stay motivated. 

The term tough love is said to have originated in the late 1960s as a book for parents attempting to support at-risk teens. The idea combined firmness with love and care. However, tough love can often excuse harsh and unsupportive behavior. When we are struggling and unsure of what kind of support we need or how to change our behavior, tough love can make change feel even more difficult. Negative self-talk increases our stress and anxiety, often causing us to feel isolated.

When we apply a tough love approach to ourselves, we begin to trust our often harsh and unrealistic inner critic. As our grace, or self-compassion, erodes, so does our desire to try. We begin to focus on our shortcomings, which makes it even harder to trust ourselves and feel capable of achieving our goals. 

When you are in the moment, it might feel like being hard on yourself pushes you to finish the tasks you set out to complete, but coerced change is rarely sustainable change. We are more productive when we can acknowledge our emotions, identify our resources, and seek necessary support. 

Self-kindness is just an excuse to be lazy. 

Self-compassion is not the reward for a job well done, but rather an approach that encourages us to keep going. When we acknowledge our common humanity, we remember that setbacks are a part of life. Practicing self-kindness in these moments is a gentle way to encourage ourselves and build consistency. 

Self-kindness does not mean liking every part of yourself. However, it allows you to reflect on your strengths and areas for improvement objectively. Self-kindness helps create the balance that enables us to be honest with ourselves and reframe challenges and disappointments as opportunities to grow and improve. 

Self-compassion will make me selfish.

Developing a self-compassion practice can initially feel like spending a lot of time in your head as you consider your inner voice and how your experiences have shaped your thoughts and feelings about yourself. If you are not used to reflecting in this way, centering yourself might feel awkward. 

However, practicing gentleness and compassion with ourselves strengthens our ability to understand and navigate our emotions, making extending grace and understanding to others more accessible. Quieting our negative self-talk makes us more emotionally aware, allowing us to be more present in our interactions with others. 

The emotional bandwidth to connect with others also reinforces the principle of common humanity through our acceptance of our own imperfections, which allows us to manage our expectations of others with empathy and acceptance. Recognizing that no one is perfect allows us to cultivate more fulfilling connections. 

Even when your mishaps impact others, giving yourself grace fosters a stronger sense of resilience, allowing you to trust your ability to provide support and solutions during challenging moments. 

If you want additional support exploring your thought patterns and learning tools to gently redirect your inner critic, consider contacting a licensed therapist. We would love to work with you.