The Case for Self-Compassion

A video circulates throughout my group chats a couple of times a year. Mariah Carey is in the club, and the deejay hands her the mic. She says, as a matter of factly, “Imma do the best I can with what I got,” the deejay says, “Ohhhhh,” and the crowd cheers, and my group chat passes it around as a reminder that sometimes that is all you can do. 

It’s often difficult to feel like we are doing our best, especially when we still have much to do. Our inner voice tends to hyperfocus on our shortcomings and mistakes, which can cause us to doubt our worth and judge ourselves harshly. Our sense of inadequacy is triggered when we navigate the societal pressures of social media and work culture that says if we did more, somehow we would be able to meet or even exceed unrealistic expectations. 

So, how do we aim to feel better in a world that tells us we are not enough? That question leads us to make a case for self-compassion. Unlike self-esteem, self-compassion is a tool that allows us to connect with our ever-changing world, even when we feel inadequate. Self-esteem is fragile and dependent on us already feeling good about ourselves. When we fail or make mistakes, self-compassion allows us to recognize our wholeness despite our shortcomings. 

What is Self-compassion?

Self-compassion shows kindness and understanding, especially when we are going through a difficult time or have made a mistake. It sounds simple, but often, when we feel like we’ve messed up, our inner voice can be pretty harsh. Bullying yourself out of a tricky situation might feel more productive than accepting that you are having difficulty. Negative self-talk tells us that we do not deserve kindness and understanding. Self-compassion reminds us that we are deserving of grace, if for no other reason than because we are human. 

Dr. Kristin Neff unlocks three core ideas to help us develop our self-compassion.

Self-kindness

When our inner voices focus on our mistakes and criticism, self-kindness allows us to acknowledge our challenges and offer ourselves support, encouragement, and comfort.

Self-kindness does not mean we do not challenge ourselves to learn from our mistakes or adapt our approach. Instead, self-kindness reminds us that our worth is not contingent on our achievements. We are inherently worthy of kindness. 

Over time, practicing self-kindness makes us less susceptible to negative self-talk or harsh self-judgment, allows us to develop a more positive inner voice, and strengthens our resilience. 

One way to begin practicing self-kindness is to think about how you would treat a friend going through a rough time. You would be nice to this friend and offer understanding and support. Self-kindness offers you the same courtesy you would share with a friend. 

Common Humanity

The idea that we are all human and make mistakes is not new. However, when we experience setbacks, it’s common for our inner voice to ask, “Why me?” and we can begin to feel abnormal or embarrassed and isolate ourselves out of fear of additional judgment or misunderstanding. 

Common humanity reminds us that, as humans, we all experience basic needs like food, shelter, safety, and connection. We are all imperfect, prone to make mistakes, and mortal. Despite our differences, we have all experienced joy, embarrassment, sadness, comfort, and many other feelings. Connecting our individual experiences to the human experience makes us feel less isolated and frightened when things go wrong. It reminds us that while our setbacks often feel painful and disappointing, they are a normal part of our daily lives. 

Mindfulness

Mindfulness allows us to observe our thoughts and feelings without the urge to criticize or overwhelm ourselves with negativity. It helps us stay present in our discomfort and consider our needs at that moment. When we avoid mindfulness, our struggles can feel too uncomfortable, and we try to run away from or suppress the painful feelings. When we are vulnerable for a moment and can pause in the discomfort of messing up, we can approach our experience with care and compassion. 

Reflecting on our earlier question, how do we recognize our wholeness, even when we feel like we are not doing enough? Self-compassion challenges us to continue observing our inner voice and offering ourselves the same compassionate response we might offer a friend. Imperfection makes us human, and developing a routine that encourages rest and makes us feel nurtured is another way to show self-kindness. Self-compassion is a journey that all of us continuously work toward.  

If you are interested in developing a more compassionate inner voice, therapy can help you explore and challenge your thoughts, feelings, and experiences in a safe and supportive environment.