Can Self-Protection Turn Into a Form of Self-Punishment?
Our bodies and brains are always acting in service of our survival. It is natural to want to protect ourselves from people, places, and situations that make us feel unsafe. In some cases, when the conditions of physical and emotional safety are met, the things we do or don’t do to protect ourselves may keep us stuck.
Self-protection may turn into a form of self-punishment when we are keeping ourselves from doing things that we know might be good for us, make us feel better, and/or increase our connections to others out of fear.
For example, let’s say you’ve been invited to a party with some friends and others you haven’t met yet. Maybe you’ve been feeling isolated and wanting more social connection but the “what-ifs” start to come up.
This might sound like:
• “What if I talk too much and embarrass myself?”
• “What if I don’t know what to say and people think I’m rude?”
• “What if I wear the wrong thing and they judge me?”
With these thoughts spiraling through your mind you might be feeling anxious and all you want to do is make them stop. By opting out of attending you may feel some immediate relief. Feels like self-protection right? Maybe, but this could also be a form of self-punishment because now our needs for social connection are not being met. It’s almost like we’re being punished for the possibility of being “too much” in one way or another. By protecting ourselves from possible judgments we are also keeping ourselves from meeting our need to be more connected to others.
It can be really difficult to be vulnerable, try new things, or open ourselves up to the possibility of failure, but often these are the ways we’re able to live more fully and authentically. We’re trying to protect ourselves from hurt and disappointment but we’re also punishing ourselves for not being perfect. Of course others might hurt our feelings at times and we’re going to fail sometimes too. Maybe the goal shouldn’t be protecting ourselves from these things but to learn how to hold ourselves in our perceived failures and keep trying to move forward. Opting out, staying secluded, keeping ourselves from trying new things can all be self-punishing. Don’t we deserve more?
I’m not here to offer any “quick-fixes” because it’s not that simple. This can be a process of slowing down, sitting with discomfort and exploring what is going on for us.
Below are a few reflection questions that could be useful in this process:
• What am I protecting myself from?
• What needs of mine won’t be met by opting out?
• Am I trying to protect others from myself? Why might I be doing that?
• Can I manage the discomfort in service of the possibilities taking a chance could open up for me?
It can be difficult to parse these thoughts out and to process what the differences between self-protection and self-punishment are for you specifically. Finding a therapist that you feel really understands you can help make this process easier.
