Navigating Holidays: Mother’s Day Edition

In more recent years there has been a shift to acknowledge just how hard it is when holidays and the media around them pop up. From mother’s day to awareness months, the ways in which these moments are celebrated can leave some feeling triggered, overwhelmed and excluded. 

While as a new mother, I am very excited to celebrate my first mother’s day, I can’t help but feel confused by the reality that while I celebrate, another is grieving the loss of a mom, a parent, a pregnancy. Another is reflecting on their fertility journey and what they had hoped would be a joyous day this year, but isn’t. And another is feeling judged after answering the question about when they will have kids, when this is not what they want at all. 

I doubt that the creator of these holidays thought that a day like Mother’s Day could be so complicated for so many, yet here we are. While at first glance you may think that these holidays can be enjoyed and cherished, it is clear they also highlight the complexity of life's journey. The love, loss and grief that is the human experience. 

As Madison Montalbano, LMSW mentions, “holidays such as Mother's and Father's Day can also bring up difficult realities for people who are queer and/or identify as non-binary. These holidays tend to be very heteronormative giving the message that if you or your family looks different that it's not a day for you”.

So how do we give space for all experiences around these days? How do we celebrate while we also recognize that there are people who cannot partake?

Here are some ways we can honor all the sides and complexities of these holidays:

Acknowledge: acknowledge who you are in this story! Reflect on the role you play for yourself and others. For instance, this year I am a mother, a daughter, a friend and therapist. I get to contribute to these relationships and acknowledge my power in each. I will celebrate my role as a mother, I am grateful for my relationship with my mother and I acknowledge my friends who have had various fertility journeys that make today a loaded one. I think of friends who have such complicated relationships with their mothers on days like these. I also think of those with two mothers to celebrate and those who have lost their mother. I also acknowledge the young women with chronic illness, who are dealing with a diagnosis or are in treatment, which has halted their ability to make choices around when to pursue their own journey to motherhood.

Embrace: holidays are amazing moments to reflect on your relationships, celebrate and embrace those people who are meaningful to you. It is also a moment to embrace those who may be excluded from the traditional confines of the holiday. To let them know that they matter, to change the script, to be inclusive. 

Set Boundaries: today is a day we can choose to stay off of social media if we feel it will be more harmful than good. Today is a day we can shift the conversation and continue to embrace those who may need it. Today is a day to set boundaries with anyone who may challenge your choices or be insensitive to your needs. It is ok to protect yourself today and it is ok to gently explain how comments, posts, or conversations make you feel. Doing so gently will allow you to be heard and not jab back the way you feel you may have been by their actions. 

Move through: if you find that you are having a harder time today, reach out to a trusted friend, family member or therapist. It takes skill and practice to move through challenging situations. Being able to at the very least, share that this is tough is an amazing place to start. Don’t assume that anyone understands what a challenging situation you may be going through even if you think it is obvious. Self compassion and understanding also go a long way. We may feel angry that we feel so down around a holiday, hopeless that things will never be easier. If your body or mind is taking control and feeling sad or down, it is OK and you probably have a very good reason. Lean in and give yourself the space to feel exactly what is coming up for you. 

For more skills and thoughts on this, please check out our blog posts from May which highlight ways to care for your mental health here and now and reach out to get in touch!