How Do I Know if Someone is Emotionally Unavailable?
Talking about dating in therapy can be intimidating, but also incredibly important. I work with a lot of young women who want to make an intentional connection with someone in an intimate, romantic way. AKA dating. Looking for someone who you share common interests with, where communication feels easy, where you feel vulnerable and comfortable at the same time. A person who wants to understand where you come from and is on the same page ( or even the same book) about where you want to go.
The biggest problem I usually hear when we talk about going on first dates or even the “talking” period where we’re not sure what the other person feels about us, is that, sometimes, the person feels distant. They don’t respond to text messages right away or they make plans and then don’t follow up the day of. If we’re not careful, this can lead to a difficult dynamic where we feel like we also have to delay our response times or we can’t ask the person out again because we’re afraid they won’t respond.
When we’re constantly waiting for the person to respond to us, it can be really frustrating, but we might also start to question ourselves and whether or not we’ve done anything to warrant their lack of response. I think the more important question is whether or not the person is emotionally available. If someone is consistently taking a long time (several hours or days) to respond, doesn’t follow up on plans or proposal of plans, and doesn’t ask you questions about yourself, you might want to consider a few things:
What is the kind of communication pattern I want in a relationship? Is this matching up with that?
If I told this person that I don’t like that they are taking a long time to respond to me, what do I want them to say and do?
How do I feel when I am with this person and how does that compare to how I want to feel in this stage of a relationship?
It can be helpful to reflect on these questions personally, but you might also want to consider speaking with a therapist to get some additional support. With all of the systemic messaging that women are fed throughout our lives, specifically relating to dating and finding a partner, it can feel overwhelming to explore and process the difference between your intrinsic wants and needs and those that we are taught to want and need. It is a constant process of unpacking and observation but, in the end, you will have a greater ability to understand yourself and what kinds of relationships you desire in your life.