Inviting Anger In: Is Anger Really the Enemy?

Anger can often be a difficult emotion for people to understand and be curious about  within themselves. Anger can show up as a secondary emotion covering up a less acceptable or  more difficult to tolerate primary emotion. Primary emotions are direct reactions to a situation  at hand and happen quickly. On the other hand, secondary emotions are triggered through how  we then interpret the event and how we judge our primary emotion. For example, someone  violates a boundary of yours but instead of feeling angry you immediately feel sad and guilty. If  you grew up in a household where people expressed their anger in an explosive or unsafe  manner, it might feel difficult to allow anger in or even to know it is there. Instead, anger may  quickly turn into sadness or guilt which could feel safer.  

The type of anger we want to avoid is destructive anger which can be defined as anger that is  felt at a strong level of emotional arousal, acted out in a dangerous manner, and at times  underground and unconscious therefore showing up behaviorally.  

When anger is used in a positive manner it is called constructive anger which is felt at a lower  level of emotional intensity, is able to be explored to understand yourself and your situation  better, and is respectful of both yours and others’ needs. When using anger constructively we are  able to understand and communicate our feelings rather than act them out in potentially harmful  ways.  

Harnessing anger in a healthy way allows it to be a protective emotion; cluing us into danger,  showing us we have been mistreated, or that our boundaries have been overstepped. It can be  useful to take some time to examine our own relationships toward anger:  

Is anger an emotion that feels out of my control and quick to come?  

Do I tend to feel sadness or another emotion when faced with situations that logically would  make me angry?  

What might anger feel like in my body? Where does it show up?  

How did I see anger expressed growing up? If at all?  

Am I able to communicate my anger verbally or does it come out in my behaviors?  

Often behind anger are unmet needs and part of our work is taking time to be curious about what  we do need and finding safe ways to do so. It can feel overwhelming to explore how anger shows  up in your life on your own. Finding a therapist you trust can be a huge asset on your journey  towards greater self-understanding.