Check In: Are We Living According to Our Own Standards?

We’re constantly being given messages about who we should be, how we should live, and what’s  right and wrong both overtly and covertly from the time we are small children. These messages come from society at large, pop culture, our families, friends and communities. Part of the hard work around growing up and individuating is sifting through these messages to locate our own  standards and values.  

In my clinical work, I find myself asking clients the same question “according to who?” when  people express fears of not being where they “should” be in life, exploring if they are in the  “right” relationship or career, or questioning if they “should” feel the way they do.  

People often internalize the messages they’ve received and without further examination they can  feel like our own voices. The goal is to live by our own standards and values, which are of course informed by our cultures and past learning, but don’t have to be ruled by them. A way to do this involves finding ways to get in touch with yourself regularly. This can look different for  everyone. We want to empower ourselves to figure out our own personal values and let them  guide us in our decision making even when our thoughts/emotions may feel messy.  

Dr. Russ Harris says:  

“Values are your heart’s deepest desires for how you want to behave as a human being. Values are not about what you want to get or achieve; they are about how you want to behave or act on an ongoing basis”.

Asking ourselves more questions and trying to get comfortable with not having the answers right away can be a crucial part of this process. We want to learn how to use our emotions as information rather than ignoring and suppressing them or making decisions completely based on them. We’re at our best when emotion and logic can be held at once and both are used to inform our next steps in life. This can be a challenging process and working through these concepts with a trusted therapist can help you sort out how to live according to your own standards and values.