Just Trying to Get By: How Instagram’s Parenting Advice Fuels Mom Guilt for Us All
As a women’s health therapist with a research background in understanding the effects of complex trauma on both the mind and the body, I’ve spent years studying how emotional and psychological wounds can be unintentionally passed down through generations-- this is known as intergenerational trauma. And yet, when I find myself scrolling through Instagram—through post after post about gentle parenting and emotional regulation—I’m hit with the same mom guilt that so many of us feel.
Instagram is a treasure trove of parenting advice, often beautifully packaged with soft words, and promises of connection if we only manage to stay calm, be present, and parent with perfect grace.
The message is clear: you should be mindful, you should never raise your voice, you should always have endless patience.
It’s hard not to internalize this as yet another standard to meet, especially when our awareness of trauma and its lasting effects makes us hyper-conscious of not wanting to pass on our own baggage to our children. But this drive for perfection can often feel overwhelming, leaving many parents feeling like they’re constantly falling short.
But what happens when our kids push every button we have? When the tools we’ve learned don’t seem to work in the heat of the moment?
It is not just our minds that react to stress—our bodies do too. Our heart rate spikes, our breathing quickens, and our nervous system goes into survival mode. In these moments, despite all the mounds of instagram advice, we react— and it’s rarely in the perfectly composed ways those posts suggest.
Heightened stress, especially when prolonged or frequent, can have significant, measurable effects on both the brain and body. It can alter how children regulate their emotions, raise stress hormone levels, damage self-esteem, and influence their ability to navigate conflict in the future. But when we’re talking about moments of overwhelm, it’s important to remember that while breaking cycles of trauma is essential, it’s just as important to teach our children how to handle adversity and navigate conflict in healthy ways.
The goal isn’t to protect them from all discomfort or never let them see us struggle. The goal is to show them that emotions—even the messy, hard ones—are normal, and that we can work through them.
As someone who has studied both the psychological and physiological impacts of trauma, I often remind my clients (and myself) that resilience is a key part of healing. It’s not just about preventing trauma; it’s about building the capacity to bounce back from challenges. Resilience isn’t developed in a bubble of perfect calm—it’s learned through navigating the ups and downs of real life. I’ve seen how children who are allowed to experience a range of emotions, and who see their parents model how to repair after a rupture, grow into emotionally healthy adults.
Still, I often hear from friends and fellow parents, “You’re a therapist, so you probably never raise your voice with your kids, right?” And my answer is always the same: of course I do. Just like everyone else, I have moments of impatience, moments where my body’s stress response kicks in before my brain has time to catch up. The difference isn’t in whether or not we lose our temper—it’s in what happens next. Do we apologize? Do we talk to our children about what happened? Do we show them that it’s okay to have big feelings, and that it’s possible to reconnect and repair afterward?
What Instagram’s perfect parenting snapshots don’t often show is the messy reality of those moments of repair. They don’t show the times when we lose our cool, and then sit down with our child to explain why, to apologize, and to model accountability. And while those idealized images can fuel a sense of failure, I remind myself that resilience—both ours and our children’s—comes from navigating these imperfect moments.
Have we gone too far in trying to protect our children from trauma, to the point where we feel pressured to be perfect at all times?
It’s a valid question. Trauma-awareness is crucial, but so is the understanding that we are human, and parenting will never look perfect. Sometimes, it’s about surviving the day, acknowledging that we’re doing our best, and giving ourselves grace when we fall short.
We can’t erase all challenges from our children’s lives, but we can teach them how to work through them.
As a therapist, I see both the importance of breaking intergenerational cycles of trauma and the value in showing our children that it’s okay to be imperfect. It’s okay to make mistakes, to feel overwhelmed, and to stumble. In those moments, we model what it looks like to repair, to apologize, and to grow.
That’s where resilience is built—not in perfection, but in the everyday messiness of being human.
So, as you scroll through Instagram and see all the beautifully curated advice, remember: you don’t need to be the perfect parent. You don’t need to carry the weight of undoing every thread of trauma in your family’s history on your shoulders alone. Some days, getting by is enough. Some days, Winnicott's idea of the "good enough mother" will have to suffice. You’re teaching your children how to live in the real world, with all its emotional highs and lows, and that’s one of the most valuable lessons you can give them.