Clinical Minute: 5 Conversations to Have Before Baby

Like many life transitions, pregnancy can stir up a mix of emotions for expectant caregivers. While hormonal and physical changes seem most apparent for the pregnant parent, partners and close family members also experience an adjustment in their thoughts and feelings throughout pregnancy. 

Most of the anxieties that arise for first-time parents relate to protecting and providing for the new baby. Feeling excited at the opportunity and nervous about how this change will shift your current relationship with your partner is normal. 

Carving out time to have the following conversations with your partner can help strengthen your communication skills, offer clarity, and build a sense of closeness with your partner as you navigate this new season. 

1. Who are our people?

There is a lot of pressure for new parents to assimilate into other parent groups in their neighborhoods or on social media. This connection feels authentic and needed for some parents, but for others, especially in the first six months of parenthood, it could feel forced and awkward. 

It's helpful to look at your current relationships and use this time to reconnect with mutual and individual friends and family who make you feel energized, who you can be genuine around, and who are easy to connect with in conversation. This time also offers an opportunity to reconnect with old friends who have moved away or who have had children themselves. In those early weeks of postpartum, you will be grateful for the text exchanges since the prospect of socializing might still feel far off. 

Each partner can share the names of 1-2 friends they will connect with when they need a little break during early morning feedings or for a quick walk with the baby. When you notice your partner beginning to feel disconnected and overwhelmed, you can gently offer them an opportunity to connect with their tribe.  

2. How will we reset individually? 

One of the challenging realizations in early parenthood is the lack of time available to meet your needs. Finding time to dedicate to that project or that energizing workout you enjoy might be challenging. Take time to outline quick opportunities to refill your cup that only require a little pre-planning. That might look like a yoga, craft, or reading corner that you can escape to in quiet moments. It may mean becoming comfortable with running 1 mile instead of 3 when the opportunity presents itself.

 It can feel impossible to fit our old rituals into our new lives, but often with minor adjustments and support from our partner, we can still enjoy activities that bring us joy. 

3. How will we manage conflict?

Conflict is a normal part of any relationship. However, it might be challenging to reset with your partner when you feel tired, unsure of your new routine, pressured, or unappreciated. Discuss together how you will troubleshoot in those moments. Commit to asking clarifying questions to understand your partner's point of view, avoid blaming your partner, and use this opportunity to express your fears and concerns. When possible, give your partner the benefit of the doubt. One or both of you are likely hungry, tired, or both! 

4. What are our expectations for our family and in-laws?

Before the baby arrives, share how you envision introducing the baby to the family and how you would like your family to engage with your child. Having an honest discussion about your expectations will provide clarity for you and your partner as you make decisions in the first few years of your child's life. Determine present and future concerns, and work to create boundaries around the more pressing matters. 

Present issues include who you want to visit at the hospital or those first few days home. Also, understanding concerns and expectations of who gets to hold the baby, sharing photos and information about your child on social media, and how much you will share when asked about how you choose to feed your child or your vaccination plans. 

5. What is off limits?

Humor can be such a gift in a relationship. It can impart feelings of joy, connectedness, and positivity. However, humor can also express disparaging feelings about ourselves, our partners, or an experience. Sometimes a passive or defensive thought can be disguised as a joke, which can feel harmful to both partners. Take a moment to reflect and share some of the insecurities that arise for both of you during this exciting and sensitive time. Acknowledge this is a vulnerable time for both of you and encourage and verbalize your partner's strengths. In the next several months, continue to reflect on these feelings and concerns, and as uncomfortable as it may feel, resist joking or teasing your partner about these things. 

Try not to take for granted jokes that your partner may have laughed at in the past. Check-in to learn what feels good to you both, and use humor as a tool to connect.

If these are areas of communication where you currently struggle, consider exploring couple's therapy to develop these skills more deeply.