Are ultimatums ever a good idea?

Ultimatums. So much weight in an ultimatum. While they may have gotten a bad rap, behind every ultimatum is something unfulfilled, some need not met, some wanting, grasping, need for control or reassurance.

Should I Ever Force My Partner to Make a Choice?

Have you ever wanted to force your partner to make a choice? Have you ever let them know that if your need isn’t met, it’s a deal breaker? If you’ve felt the urge or have been on the opposite side of the conversation, keep reading!

Disclaimer: while the blog is not a space I use for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment, it’s a wonderful place to break down and explore behaviors and dynamics that may come up in relationships.

Deal Breakers

When partners share a mutual understanding of expectations, wants and needs, the thought of an ultimatum may never come into play. However, when a partner feels that their expectations are not being met, commitments are not being kept or they are not being seen or heard, an ultimatum may feel like the only option for you to be taken seriously. Similar to when you may raise your voice in an argument or use the cold shoulder to make a point, an ultimatum may be tempting. When an ultimatum sounds like a good idea, you may want to take a step back to understand why.

Mutual Understanding

Become the relationship expert in your own life by exploring what you are really lacking and looking for. Are you and your partner actually on the same page? If you feel like an ultimatum is your only answer, you may be feeling powerless or helpless for a reason.

Ultimatums are commonly used around topics such as marriage and family since many people hold strong views around whether or not they want to get married and/or have children. When you feel like your relationship is ready for a new phase, it can be an opportune time to think about what you value and what you want from your partner.

Do they want the same things as you? Do you both see each other as the person you want to pursue this journey with? Why or why not? If there are things that may present challenges, are you both on the same page about how to navigate these hurdles together?

For hypothetical purposes only, one may feel that their partner is unwilling to commit throughout the relationship, leading you to resort to using an ultimatum to get what you need from your partner. So, what do you do from here?

Setting Boundaries

Instead of jumping to an ultimatum, setting boundaries with your partner, articulating what you want and need and your expectations will convey the serious nature of your feelings. When we are able to express ourselves with honesty as our driver, we can truly impact the trajectory of our relationships.

Once you are able to convey your needs in an effective and authentic manner you can then work within your relationship to foster a positive connection. Alternatively, if your partner is unable or unwilling to commit or provide you with what you need and want, you gain clarity on the viability of your relationship at this point in time.

What Now?

If you are considering exploring these dynamics and ideas, therapy is a great space to open this dialogue.